M: Another incident that came up during the discussions that we had, which was the incident about the barbecue. And I know that having spoken to Paul there are some things that he would like to say to you as a result of that. Do you feel that you can share that with Kirsty?
P: Well, I kind of think that, in a sense, that it's not really relevant because it's a social thing and it's away from the office. But yeah, there were reasons why I didn't want to go. I was going to come, I was going to come and I had every intention of coming right up until, kind of, the last minute. But then...
K: But then you didn't ring and you didn't inform me that you weren't coming and I had bought all the food and I'd explained to other people that you were about to arrive. So, situation not really very well dealt with, I'd say.
M: Would you be willing to share with Kirsty what your reasons for not being there were Paul?
P: Well, it's... I think it's the same for anyone, when you're kind of in a new environment and you're not... You know there'd have been a load of people there that I don't know. There'd may be a few people from the office and whatever...
K: But I'd chosen people specifically that I though you might get on with.
P: Well, I didn't know... I wasn't aware of that...
K: I was aware of the fact that you'd come to an area, you know, that you didn't know people and I was trying to open up avenues for you. So that, you know, I was aware that you may be lonely. You know, coming here was...you know, I wanted to give you the opportunity to get to know people who live nearby.
P: Well, it's not a case of I'm lonely or anything, I'm quite content. But, uh... in certain environments like that, I would feel uncomfortable. I would feel very self conscious and it just got to a point where I wanted to avoid that and I didn't think that I could phone up and tell you that's why I wasn't coming to your barbecue. Sometimes it's very difficult to talk to you and sometimes it's quite intimidating to talk to you, so I... I umm, that's why I didn't do it.
M: When we spoke sort of one-to-one in the meetings what you said to me was that you felt embarrassed and so he didn't know what to say, so he didn't call you. And then I asked you what happened on Monday when you got back to the office and you said well, you didn't, he didn't know how to deal with it so he didn't speak to you then about it so it just got left... and do you want to tell Paul how you felt about it?
K: You know if you genuinely did feel embarrassed, you know, you can tell me that. I mean you could just ring and just say "look I can't handle it, I'm not in the mood, I'm feeling...", I can handle that. I mean, I completely understand that, you know, if you were feeling, if he was feeling uncomfortable or, or freaking out... That, I can un... it's just maybe sharing that with me. I didn't know wha..., I still to this day had no idea that this was the case. I thought he just decided ****** it I won't come.
M: I think it's clear to me as a sort of third party here, that what we've got actually is a misunderstanding.
M: At our one-to-one meetings, Kirsty and Paul had both identified the barbecue incident as the point when things really started to go wrong between them. Kirsty had been angry and Paul, although feeling a bit awkward and embarrassed, had told me he wanted to sort things out and agreed that I could share his feelings with Kirsty. Sorting out this misunderstanding will hopefully prove a turning point and help them to move forward.
Kirsty's take on this K: You know, to be honest, I just had no idea that Paul was feeling embarrassed and insecure about that barbecue and to be… you know, I just…, if he'd've been able to share that on any level, I just think that maybe this isolation that I was experiencing from him, this closing off, would've... we would have maybe been able to deal with this whole situation a bit earlier. Because I just had no idea that he was feeling like that. How he was coming over to me was hard and closed and withdrawn and umm… I actually felt for him in the meeting, to be honest. I felt umm... you know, I felt quite warmed to him for that.
